Happy New Year!

GOODBYE 2010!!

I really don't think I will miss you.

This year has been a life altering year to say the least. It really was one of those years that when it rains, it POURS.

It was early January when I rolled my car with Lennon in it. I think that is every mothers worst nightmare. Luckily we were protected and everyone was okay... except now we had to buy a new car and sell B's so we didn't have two car payments.

Bummer.

Just days after the accident I found out I was pregnant! So exciting. We were thrilled. Lennon would have a buddy.

At about ten weeks pregnant I began having major complications. My placenta had torn from the uteran wall causing me to bleed. I was put on bedrest, told not to lift anything heavier than a gallon of milk, and that my Baby had a 50% chance of survival.

I spent the next four months on bedrest at my Mom and Dad's house so they could help me with Lennon. There was no way I could manage a 18 month old on bedrest. What a blessing to have family close by.

One night I wasn't feeling right. I was about 22 1/2 weeks pregnant and I could tell something wasn't normal. I had a huge gush of something (now I realize it was my water, not blood) just hours before and I just wasn't feeling good. I called my sister-in-law that next morning and asked if I could come in for an ultrasound just to check out the babe. I wanted to make sure things were okay. Luckily she was working that day. I dropped Lennon off with his Grandma Dorothy, dropped Becca off at my house (Farrah, Becca and my mom were packing up my kitchen for me. Getting ready to move away for law school) and met B at the hospital.

I laid down on the bed and knew from the look on Shantel's face that something wasn't right. I was DEVASTATED. My heart dropped. She then explained that the baby had no fluid around him. That I needed to go to the hospital asap. B and I looked at each other in complete shock! My water had broke and I wasn't in labor. Kind of a lot to swallow. Shantel said she could see a heartbeat still. That broke me even more. I didn't want my baby to suffer. Before I left the room I asked B to give me a blessing. I don't remember much but I do remember he said, "the baby will feel no pain." That was all that mattered at that point. I didn't want my angel to suffer. I looked at sweet Shantel and could tell her heart was broken as well. We exchanged hugs and left.

The car ride down to the hospital seemed like an eternity. What is going to happen? Am I going to have to push this baby out right now? How do you bury a child? Can I even do that? Am I strong enough? Our minds were racing. I called my sisters and told them I wasn't coming back to the house. I explained to them that my water had broken and they can meet me down at AF hospital.

Before I knew it... there we were. Sitting in an unlit room in AF hospital. B, my mom, my dad, Farrah and Becca. Everyone with blank stares and nothing to say. I remember laying in that bed silently broken. Tears streaming. I remember looking at B's face and it was completely blank. I could tell he was broken as well.

The doctor came in and asked what I wanted to do. They could take me back right then and take the baby, or I could go home until I go into labor. I told her I wanted to do whatever I could for the baby.

So homeward bound I went. I ended up being home for three days and was re-admitted to Utah Valley Regional Medical Center for two more days. Just enough to hear all the worst case scenarios and horrific statitstics. I received anti-biotics and steriods for the baby and two days later I was sent home until the following week.

I still was not in labor and finally made it to week 24. I checked in to the hospital and was there for the remainder of the summer.

It was the most trying time of my life. I didn't know how to prepare for the inevitable. This baby was coming but with all the risks that came along with having him, I thought I was going to die. It was torture laying there everyday knowing what was eventually going to happen and just praying for, literally, a miracle.

It was Fathers day. I prayed my heart out that my body would wait at least until the day after. I didn't want to ruin Fathers Day for B forever. I realized I wasn't in control and it was time.

June 20th, 2010. Holden Lloyd Nilsson was here. 2 pounds 5 ounces.

What a joy.

He remained in the NICU until the first week of September. He shocked everyone with his strength. The doctors couldn't explain it. All they could say was that he was a miracle. Only ventilated for one day! What a stud.

We had some ups and downs but somehow remained strong. Someone was definitely carrying us through.

Lennon got to meet his brother and it has been bliss for him ever since.

B had to put off school and his life was turned upside down.

But, we were all here and healthy as a family.

Holden has changed us forever.

This last year was unbelievable. It has taught me more about myself then I thought I could ever learn. Although I say it was the worst year of my life... I wouldn't trade the experience for anything. It changed me forever. I know how to love more. I know how to REALLY appreciate. I want to be better everyday. I have a more complete understanding of God. I know I would DIE without my family, both sides. I know how precious life is. I am grateful for eternal families. I have a greater appreciation of trials. I know not to sweat the small stuff. I remember to say 'I Love You' more.

These are just few of the many things I have learned. I think this next year my resolution will be to never forget all the things I have learned this year.

Our family was blessed with a miracle and I am so grateful.

This next year is going to be life changing as well. There are plenty of adventures in store for our family and I am ready!

Cheers to 2011!!

Please be good to us :)