Friday, May 28, 2010

good days and bad ones

Well it is Friday!!

It is nice knowing the days are going by. Some are definitely better than others but they continue to go by. Yesterday, for some reason, I struggled. I wasn't feeling to hot {emotionally} and it is hard to keep a dry eye. I had a kidney stone episode again and then some contractions so they hooked me up to the monitors permanently to watch the baby. It is a love hate thing.
Stresses me out.

Becca brought Lennon down yesterday and he hung out for two hours! I was shocked. Man o man I miss that person. That was the best two hours of my week. I feel that no matter what happens, Lennon is going to get me through. Honestly. He makes everything better. I love that I have him.

I speak with the doctors everyday but nothing too exciting. They just tell me what I already know and that is basically to try and stay pregnant. Folks, I am doing the best I can! I am shooting for 26 weeks right now with a long term goal of 28 weeks. Any day after 28 weeks I will be stoked. I know baby needs fluid for his lungs and I am doing all I can to help him with that but all in all it is kind of a crap-shoot. :) The only thing I can do to make his chances of survival better is try and relax, stay positive and get through just one day at a time. Today I woke up and had to force myself to rid those feelings of poor me and buck up. So far it is working and I think the days will be much more pleasant if I can just stay positive. So for now I have two goals...

- take it one day at a time and pray for two weeks at a time.

- try and stay as positive as I can, for baby's health, my sanity and to help b out.

Those are it for now. In the meantime, I ask you to please continue to pray. We need prayers. It is going to be a long road.

I will keep you posted if anything exciting happens

as for now, I am trying to find an XBOX 360. I think that will keep both B and I sane.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010


I went and saw the perinatologist today and she did an ultrasound. We got to see this little grom. He is still going strong, although there is still little to no fluid. I knew that was going to be the case because I had a huge gush yesterday {which is good because it shows baby is still producing fluid}. She checked his brain, heart, kidneys, and bladder and said they all looked really good. She also commented that his "tracking" looks really good. I asked what is "tracking" and it was his heartbeat. I will take it! She also weighed the baby and he weighs 1 pound 7 ounces. He has gained 4 ounces since the last ultrasound which also is a good sign. Honestly at this point I will take what I can get. Risks are still high but I will take any good news they can give me. They can't check on the lungs through an ultrasound but the longer this guy stays in me, the better. We won't know how well the baby's lungs are developing until he is here so we are just praying for the best. His limbs are also so cramped so we are also praying those can form normally. That too we won't know until he comes. I am planning on taking this two weeks at a time. Every two weeks is a milestone for us. It has already almost been two weeks {tomorrow} since my water broke. That is reassuring. It seems to have gone by kind of fast... believe it or not.

And last but surely not least, please keep us in your prayers. We need them now more than ever. It has been overwhelming hearing of all the people praying for us. I will never take that for granted and I can honestly feel them. I love you all and will be forever grateful for taking the time to think about our little family.

How lucky we are.

Stay tuned and I will keep you posted quite often... after all, I am just sittin' here :)

ps. b, i love you.

24 weeks

Well, I am back!

{Actually, it isn't that exciting but whatever}

I was admitted yesterday because I made it to 24 weeks. Now the baby is viable, which means, if he was born he has a chance of survival. Still slim, but has a chance. I just met with the docotor and they scheduled for me to go into the perinatologist to check on my fluid levels and also how well the baby is growing. I don't know when I go but I will make sure and update as soon as I find out more.

The doctor was nice today. Phew, what a relief. He said that usually if I was going to develop an infection that would put me into labor, it already would have happened {of course it could still happen but it less likely}. That was nice to hear. He also told me to plan on TEN WEEKS being here. Wow. I would be so stoked if I lasted that long, but man o man how boring. I will just have to pick up knitting or something. Right now I am shooting for two weeks at a time. 24 weeks is scary. I don't want this babe to come anytime soon. I don't feel like he will, but you never know.

In the meantime, I will just be here hanging out so feel free to come by. I am so thankful for my family and friends. What great support. I can honestly feel your prayers and I pray that you won't stop. We need them. I am so grateful for everyone picking up the slack with Lennon. He is my world and I know he is in good hands.

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you

from the bottom of my heart.

**I will write more when I know more. Please keep praying. Thanks goodness for prayer.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

home again

Well just a litle update for you all...

I am home now. I got home last night. It was kind of my choice and I can go back anytime I feel like I should. When I went in on Monday, they monitored the baby and actually set my due date back four days which was a bummer because that means viability is four days back. The reason why is because I am not sure what my exact due date is. They decided to admit me anyway and start me on steroids and antibiotics because the baby's weight. He was weighing pretty big for how far along they think I am.

So Monday afternoon they got me started and I was meeting with every doctor possible. First was the neonatologist. I never want to have that meeting again. He basically told me every bad thing that could happen and left me with no hope. When he left I told B my heart was physically hurting. Like I thought I needed a pain killer. Nothing has ever felt like that. I understand that my baby doesn't really have a chance right now, but that was a hard discussion. B and I decided we just want to let let nature take it's course until 24 weeks. I don't want to put the baby through hell if he is born right now. At 24 weeks, I will do whatever I can to fight for his life if he is born. I am just praying he can hang in there til at least 28 weeks. The doctors and I seem to be on the same page as far as that goes.

I am hopeful and staying positive. It is hard not having any control over anything. All I can do is lay and really listen to what the doctors say, and pray hard. After that, it is totally in the Lords hands. It has been a true excersise of faith and will continue to be. I am grateful that no matter what the outcome is, I know that we can all be together forever.
What a great blessing.

So the plan going forward is I stay home, in bed until Tues. That is when I am 24 weeks and back to the hospital for some intense care. I am still not contracting and no sign of labor. I will obviously head straight to the hospital if I have any sort of doubt. It gets a little scary sometimes but I am trying to chase that out with a lot of praying. All I can do now is hope for the best and ask all of you to please keep us in your prayers. I really can feel them and am so grateful for them.

So for now its...

Pray pray pray.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

I'm overwhelmed.

I don't know how much I can type cause I am borrowing a computer but I just wanted to let you all know, I am still hanging in there. They admitted me yesterday and I might be able to go back home this week and then come back permanently in a few more days. We will see and I will definitely keep you all posted.

I just wanted to quickly write and tell all of you thanks for keeping our family in your thoughts and prayers. I can honestly tell you that I feel them and am extremely grateful. I was and am so overwhelmed with the people who have offered they kind words of support and thoughts. Thank you, thank you, thank you from the bottom of my heart. What a lucky gal!

Like I said, I will write more details later but just know momma and baby are hanging in there.

Please keep praying.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

breathe in... breathe out

big breath.... well this weekend has been quite tramatic to say the least. It all started Thursday night. I wasn't feeling too good and was headed up to bed to take a bath. When I got up I felt a gush. I honestly didn't think much about it because I had been bleeding the whole time. I told Becca I wasn't feeling too good and that I needed a bath and to lay down. I took some tylenol and went to bed.

That next morning I had a feeling something wasn't normal and that I needed to go in to get scanned. I went in and I could tell right away that it wasn't good. The tech, my sister in law, told me that there was no fluid surrounding the baby. I was in shock and knew that wasn't good. I called my doctor and they told me I needed to get to the hospital asap. I asked B to give me a blessing before we left. I was kind of a mess, but the second B started to talk I felt more at peace. Knowing that either way, I can do it. B said a lot of comforting things but the thing that stuck out most was that the baby won't hurt. As a mom, that is all I really cared about. You don't want to even think about your child suffering. Born or unborn.

We jumped in the car and headed down to the hospital. What a long and dreadful drive. I didn't know what to expect when I got there. Lucky enough, I didn't have to worry about my little Lennon. Dorothy, my other mom:) had him. We finally arrived and they did a bunch of tests. Sure enough, they too discovered there was little to no amniotic fluid surrounding our little one. He did have a strong heartbeat though. Everything else about the baby was normal. All his measurements and everything.

The Doctors reviewed the ultrasound and told me that I have a choice. I didn't know what that meant and I still don't. I told them that I feel like I have no other choice but to keep fighting and hope for the best for the little one. I don't just want to give up on him. I understand I am only 23 weeks and that if I were to go into labor right now they could do nothing to save the baby. It is at 24 weeks where the baby is viable. I also understand that there are a lot of risks with having a baby at 24 weeks. A LOT. But I don't have a choice. I will do whatever I need to. So after talking with the on call doctor, she was in tears, I was in tears, we decided that I go home and stay down and if I go into labor at home to just come back down to the hospital ( I could have stayed in the hospital and been monitored but after knowing there is nothing they can really do, I would rather be at my own house surrounded by my family). She also set up an appointment with a Neonatologist for me to go see on Monday (tomorrow). She said that they were going to run a bunch of test and see if the baby is going to be okay. If they feel like there is a chance they will probably admit me once I am 24 weeks and do whatever they can to keep the baby healthy and still inside of me. I am 24 weeks this Saturday. The problem is the baby needs to have fluid in order for his lungs to form. If I am leaking, that is not good.

The next day my doctor called me. He got me started on antibiotics to prevent any kind of infection (Thank goodness for him) . The other doctors didn't think it was necessary. I don't get that. If I was to get an infection, it would kill the baby and be very harmful to me. So he called that in in the morning and I got started on that yesterday. He also told me to hang in there and to stay positive. He said what has happened is very rare but he has seen it before. He said he didn't want to give me a false sense of hope but he had a patient that broke her water at 19 weeks and ended up carrying til term. That was nice to hear. We could have a miracle baby. Who knows? The sac surrounding the baby could possibly heal, which is not likely, but it can happen, and the baby can just keep generating fluids and we could just go from there. That obviously is best case scenario. So if I get admitted into the hospital and things look good they will start me on IVs and possibly steroids to help the baby's lungs . It all depends on whether I can maintain some fluid.

So as for right now, I am laying on the couch with my butt in the air and trying to stay sane. What a roller coaster. I told B yesterday it feels like a really bad dream that I can't wake up from. I worry. I don't want my guy to suffer at all. I don't think I have ever felt this way in my life. It has been very difficult to say the least. Not knowing what is going to happen is torture. I am hopeful, but scared to be. I don't want to be disappointed. I am lucky to already have a son and now when I look at him, I want to cry. How lucky I feel to have him. He is going to save me through this. I am lucky to have B. He has been a rock and I know he is suffering inside. What an amazing husband, friend and father. I love him. I am grateful for prayers. I can feel them today. I am being comforted. I don't know what the future holds but I know I can get through it.

I know I can.

I am grateful for that. I know my situation calls for miracle and I am hopeful for that. It is going to be a crazy ride these next few months but I am glad I can be surrounded by those that I love. I will try to update as much as possible. Please keep us in your prayers. They are much needed and appreciated.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

5 Questions

So my good buddy from highschool started this cute blog idea and I love it. She asked me to participate and of course I did.
Today happen to be my lucky day.:)

I think this is a fun catchy thing. You all should check it out. Here is her link

and I dare you to participate, or even nominate people you want to get to know better.
Kind of a fun thing.