breathe in... breathe out

big breath.... well this weekend has been quite tramatic to say the least. It all started Thursday night. I wasn't feeling too good and was headed up to bed to take a bath. When I got up I felt a gush. I honestly didn't think much about it because I had been bleeding the whole time. I told Becca I wasn't feeling too good and that I needed a bath and to lay down. I took some tylenol and went to bed.

That next morning I had a feeling something wasn't normal and that I needed to go in to get scanned. I went in and I could tell right away that it wasn't good. The tech, my sister in law, told me that there was no fluid surrounding the baby. I was in shock and knew that wasn't good. I called my doctor and they told me I needed to get to the hospital asap. I asked B to give me a blessing before we left. I was kind of a mess, but the second B started to talk I felt more at peace. Knowing that either way, I can do it. B said a lot of comforting things but the thing that stuck out most was that the baby won't hurt. As a mom, that is all I really cared about. You don't want to even think about your child suffering. Born or unborn.

We jumped in the car and headed down to the hospital. What a long and dreadful drive. I didn't know what to expect when I got there. Lucky enough, I didn't have to worry about my little Lennon. Dorothy, my other mom:) had him. We finally arrived and they did a bunch of tests. Sure enough, they too discovered there was little to no amniotic fluid surrounding our little one. He did have a strong heartbeat though. Everything else about the baby was normal. All his measurements and everything.

The Doctors reviewed the ultrasound and told me that I have a choice. I didn't know what that meant and I still don't. I told them that I feel like I have no other choice but to keep fighting and hope for the best for the little one. I don't just want to give up on him. I understand I am only 23 weeks and that if I were to go into labor right now they could do nothing to save the baby. It is at 24 weeks where the baby is viable. I also understand that there are a lot of risks with having a baby at 24 weeks. A LOT. But I don't have a choice. I will do whatever I need to. So after talking with the on call doctor, she was in tears, I was in tears, we decided that I go home and stay down and if I go into labor at home to just come back down to the hospital ( I could have stayed in the hospital and been monitored but after knowing there is nothing they can really do, I would rather be at my own house surrounded by my family). She also set up an appointment with a Neonatologist for me to go see on Monday (tomorrow). She said that they were going to run a bunch of test and see if the baby is going to be okay. If they feel like there is a chance they will probably admit me once I am 24 weeks and do whatever they can to keep the baby healthy and still inside of me. I am 24 weeks this Saturday. The problem is the baby needs to have fluid in order for his lungs to form. If I am leaking, that is not good.

The next day my doctor called me. He got me started on antibiotics to prevent any kind of infection (Thank goodness for him) . The other doctors didn't think it was necessary. I don't get that. If I was to get an infection, it would kill the baby and be very harmful to me. So he called that in in the morning and I got started on that yesterday. He also told me to hang in there and to stay positive. He said what has happened is very rare but he has seen it before. He said he didn't want to give me a false sense of hope but he had a patient that broke her water at 19 weeks and ended up carrying til term. That was nice to hear. We could have a miracle baby. Who knows? The sac surrounding the baby could possibly heal, which is not likely, but it can happen, and the baby can just keep generating fluids and we could just go from there. That obviously is best case scenario. So if I get admitted into the hospital and things look good they will start me on IVs and possibly steroids to help the baby's lungs . It all depends on whether I can maintain some fluid.

So as for right now, I am laying on the couch with my butt in the air and trying to stay sane. What a roller coaster. I told B yesterday it feels like a really bad dream that I can't wake up from. I worry. I don't want my guy to suffer at all. I don't think I have ever felt this way in my life. It has been very difficult to say the least. Not knowing what is going to happen is torture. I am hopeful, but scared to be. I don't want to be disappointed. I am lucky to already have a son and now when I look at him, I want to cry. How lucky I feel to have him. He is going to save me through this. I am lucky to have B. He has been a rock and I know he is suffering inside. What an amazing husband, friend and father. I love him. I am grateful for prayers. I can feel them today. I am being comforted. I don't know what the future holds but I know I can get through it.

I know I can.

I am grateful for that. I know my situation calls for miracle and I am hopeful for that. It is going to be a crazy ride these next few months but I am glad I can be surrounded by those that I love. I will try to update as much as possible. Please keep us in your prayers. They are much needed and appreciated.