holden lloyd nilsson

Holden Lloyd Nilsson

June 20th, 2010

2 pounds 5 ounces

It has been one week since I had my sweet little Holden and let me tell you, it feels like a year. It has been one crazy week. It is so nice to be home and hug and kiss Lennon all day. I missed that so much. At the same time, I yearn for my little guy. Leaving the hospital to come home was interesting to say the least. I was so excited to get out of there and never ever sleep there again, but I was also leaving my baby... fighting for his life. Wow... it was hard. I guess I should start at the top. I have so much to write I honestly don't know where to start.

Well, it all started Saturday evening {June 19th}. I was really uncomfortable and started bleeding quite a bit. I was having irregular contractions all day and knew something was different. My body was trying to tell me something. I let all the nurses and doctors know that I could sense a change and to keep a close eye on me. As the evening rolled in my contractions were beginning to be more and more consistent. As night came they were every five to ten minutes and wouldn't let off. B was sleeping and I was trying to do the same but it was hard... I was a little uncomfortable. It was frustrating because with my situation the doctors were hesitant to check me because that would cause infection or possibly even put me into labor so it was basically my call. I remember laying there, rubbing my sweet little baby inside my belly and just hoping that we would be able to fight through this. I knew he was ready to come. I prayed all night long that I would know what to do. That I would know how to direct the doctors and make sure I was making the right decision.

At around 6:00 am I told B to get ready because the baby was coming. I just knew it was time. Right after that the doctor came in and asked what I thought. I told him I knew it was time and I am ready. Because I was so sure he decided to check me. Sure enough.... I was ready. 100 percent effaced and at a four. The doctor seemed a bit stunned and looked at the nurse and said, "oh ya... she is ready. good decision."

As soon as he said that... BAM! Three nurses and an anesthesiologist were right by my side. Before I knew it, I was being told to roll over and a little poke and there was the epidural. After that they rolled me in my bed down the hall to the operating room. B following in his all white suit. I can only imagine what he was thinking. I could tell by the look on his face and his sweet little rubs that he was a bit nervous to say the least. They finally got me to the operating room, right next to the NICU and started the c-section. It was not what I expected. Sure enough after ten minutes baby was here. I didn't get to see him because they rushed him right in the hands of the NICU staff. There they began to stabilize my sweet baby. B was in and out... room to room. In one room his sweet boy was being surrounded by nurses and doctors, and in the other room his wife's insides were all ripped out :). I honestly think I lucked out there. I don't know if I could have handled that. He did great. He was so concerned about me and at the same time so worried about his little one.

As soon as they finished with me, they wheeled me back to my room... my cell for the past month and a half, and once I got in there I lost it. I want to loose it right now even thinking about it. I finally melted down. I couldn't do that the whole time because I didn't want to stress the baby out. I took a look around and realized that hell is done. That chapter of my life is over and I am now beginning another chapter that is going to be just as challenging. I remember B coming in the room and asking about the baby. Asking if he was stabilized. B told me he was. I was more than relieved. I remember telling Holden when he was in my belly and I was in the hospital that I would fight as long as he would do it with me. All I wanted was for him to be stabilized. For him to have a shot. When B came in and told me that I think I asked like ten times. I just wanted to hear it over and over again.

Holden was stabilized.

B told me that he had blood in his tummy and lungs but they were working on getting that out. My placenta had ripped away from the uterus and that is what caused the bleeding. That is also why it was a really really good thing I told the doctors it was time. I could have bled out and Holden probably wouldn't have made it if I had waited any longer. Anyway, after I had a total breakdown and couldn't even speak... {I really couldn't wait to do that} the anesthesiologist came in and literally told everyone to quit talking to me and that I needed to sleep. I hadn't slept all night. I also couldn't calm down. I literally freaked out. The doctor then had to knock me out through an IV. I was gonzo. It was probably a good thing. I think that is the only thing that calmed me down. The anesthesiologist stayed by my side after that for about another half hour. He was so so so sweet. He was the best and was so encouraging the whole time. He was literally the best. I also know his kids and maybe that is why he took special interest in me. Whatever the reason, I was grateful. I remember waking up from being knocked out and the doctor that had delivered Holden walked in the room. I just remember crying again and thanking him for everything. Thanking him for taking care of me and also for getting my little guy out as fast as possible. He was tearing up as he was watching me cry and expressing my gratitude for him. Those doctors are truly a blessing.

Finally I was stabilized and was able to go see my little baby. They wheeled me, in my bed, into the NICU to go check him out. He was a small lump of heaven... truly. He looks so much like his brother. So sweet. I asked the nurses if B and my Dad could give him a blessing and they were more then happy to let them. What a sweet experience. I love both of those men.

Holden was on the ventilator that first day. I was expecting that so it wasn't really shocking... what was shocking is the next day he was already off of it. All he had was a nasal cannula blowing oxygen through his lungs. He was doing really well. They also got all the blood out and were able to maintain good blood pressure and a strong heartbeat. They weaned him off all meds for his blood pressure. They also thread a feeding tube down his nose and into is belly. They had him on antibiotics just in case he gets an infection of any sort.

I love him.

So it has been a week and it feels like a year. Holden has been doing remarkable. Doctors are stunned by how well he is doing. I know that the NICU is a major roller coaster and we may have our ups and downs, but this weeks was a good one. Holden is a fighter. He is keeping up his end of the deal. I couldn't be happier. In fact, I feel so in debt to the Savior. I feel so lucky that my little one has a chance. What a blessing. I know I need to update more and I will. I want to keep everyone posted on my little one.

This experience has been unreal. The hospital stay was definitely the lowest of lows for me. I honestly can't believe it even happened. It was one of the most trying times of my life. Lots of tears, prayers and strength. It took every ounce of me to stay sane. Although this is the hardest thing I have ever gone through, I feel like I am a different person because of it. I feel like my relationship with my Savior is that much stronger. In my darkest hour I know he is there and understands how I feel. He sent people to me in the hospital that I would have never expected, to lift me up. And they did. I had many nights by myself experiencing some of the craziest spiritual experiences of my life. God is mindful. He does hear mine and others prayers and is real. I feel those prayers. It is almost tangible. I feel I will forever be changed. I am more than grateful to those who have sent nice thoughts and prayers. I don't know if you realize how much it means to me and our family. What a blessing it is to have so many people pray for us. I truly am grateful and ask that you please keep them coming. My baby is doing better than I imagined and I pray he continues to fight. I love him. Thank you all for your prayers.

Thank you

Thank you

Thank you

I will keep you all posted on Holden.

I, on the other hand, am doing great. I love being home with my family again and I love even more the time I have with Lennon. I want to be at the hospital all day and all night but I know he is in the best of hands and someday I can be with my Holden and Lennon at the same time.

a real miracle...

its me, farrah, rachel's sister. im going to be posting and updating you all on rachel, b, and baby holden. oh, our sweet little baby holden.

last night, rachel starting bleeding. she started contracting as well. all through the night the bleeding never let up and her contractions became very consistent and painful...about every 5 minutes. the staff kept a really close watch on her and the baby, and about 6am the doctor came through the door and told rachel she has a choice to make.

after praying all night through her contractions, she felt strongly that there really wasn't a choice and that her little holden needed to join us. the doctor checked her and she was dialated to a four and completely effaced. he looked at her and told her how right she was and they took her in immediately for the c-section.

in fact, moments before the doctor even walked through the door, rachel told B to get ready cause little holden will be arriving shortly. not 5 minutes later, the doc came in. what a true miracle too, that rachel felt that intuition and followed through with it. she very well could've ignored it and they could've waited, but when the procedure was done they informed us all that if holden had not come at that very second he did, things would've been....much different.... thank you rachel for your strong will to follow your heart...and listen.

they performed the c-section, with B in the room. as soon as they saw little holden's bumb, they asked B to come have a first look at his new precious fighter. i think B is still in shock from the whole scene, but what a strong solid person he is. he has taken this all in, and been there. been there for rachel....especially there for rachel...physically, mentally and emotionally. bouying her up and keeping her alive, and breathing. i love you b...so much. i couldn't be more grateful for you, to be the one to hold rachels hand through all of this and be so so strong. wow. that's why i have a really special place in my heart for you. you have taken such good good care of my very best friend...our sister...and daughter. we love you. thank you.

as soon as rachel was through, they wheeled her back to her room, and as she entered the room, she went into hysterics...much deserved if you ask me. she freaked out. the doctor literally came in and tranquilized her. she kept saying 'wow'...'wow'...'that was so so so hard'. it was....and that phrase is an understatement.

she fell asleep. finally. she fell asleep. she was snoring. finally. she was resting. i was so happy to walk in the room and see her with her mouth gaping open...snoring under her oxygen mask. i cried. i was crying before then, but i cried when i saw her asleep. finally, she can sleep. but only for a time. she woke up, came too, and never stopped talking...can't blame her.

during that time of rachel's rest, the doctors and nurses were working on little holden. getting all his tubes, monitors, ventilators, and everything else going, to get him stabilized. the one word rachel has been asking to hear, praying her little heart out to hear...that one crucial and life-changing word. stabilized. it came. he is stabilized.

he is stabilized. he swallowed a lot of blood, so the first few seconds of his life were focused on that. getting all that sucked out and under control. it is under control. his lungs look good, and looking better and better by the minute. his heart is strong. his brain looks perfect. he has already peed...his kidneys are working well, and as for his oxygen levels, well, they aren't having to assist him with that as much as they anticipated. he looks perfect. his skin is very pink, he is perfect from head to toe, his muscle mass is great...squirming a lot more than normal...which is really really good. looks like a really small newborn:) he weighed in at 2 pounds 5 ounces, surprisingly large...considering. and thats for real. that is very good for his gestational age...27 weeks and 4 days. miracle.

i know this is long, and it may just get longer. when i walked into the hospital room and saw rachel sleeping, the spirit overtook me, and i could literally feel my heart swell. the room was so quiet. so calm. everyone around her had wet faces with tears, weeping. but quietly. everyone in there own Heaven...literally. that little hospital room was one very sacred room...at that time. as rachel layed there, i sobbed. i thought to myself...your done rach. that is done. no more of that...rach. i sobbed some more, quietly, and looked at her again and thought, wow, i never knew such a strong bond existed...between sisters. it took everything not to stroke her head or hold her hand. it took everything not to wake her. i can honestly say that rachel is the toughest person i know. what she has been through, and conquered so far, i still can't wrap my mind around. to see her at her lowest, but stay so strong...and fight...the only word i can think of is insprirational. truly. to see her fully submit herself to the Lord, and submit the future to Him, yet stay faithful and fight for her wish, her prayer, her most desired gift of all, is truly a miracle in and of itself.

rachel, i can't find the words...i can only say thank you. thank you for being who you are, fully and completely, always. you are unbelievably strong. brave. and tough. so tough. we love you so much. i know what you would wish for me to say right now. and i will...right now.

this is what i hear rachel saying if she were to write right now:

everyone: family...friends...acquaintances...neighbors....strangers...everyone...thank you for your prayers. thank you so much. if i could ask one more thing from any of you who have tuned in to our long and difficult journey...please keep praying...for my little holden...please. we feel them, and i know he does too. that is all we can do...and i beg of you to join us in calling to the heavens in prayer, for him. i promised him while i held him in my tummy all those long days and nights, that if you fight, i'll fight. you fought, and i'm still fighting, and im asking you to all join in the fight...and pray pray pray. i love you all so so so much. thank you, everyone. thank you.

ps...everyone who wishes to join us in fasting tomorrow for our new precious arrival, please know you are more than welcome. thank you again and again!

ill keep posting, until rach feels up to it.

Still here... and pregnant

So... Yesterday was a little crazy.

Started my day with a perinatologist appointment and got to see baby. She was concerned that I may be in pre-term labor. I have been having painful contractions and bleeding. I didn't think they were going to do anything about it and just let me go into labor, which that is the plan, but they wanted to start me on Magnesium and also give another "rescue" round of steroids for his lungs. I knew that was a sign that they thought I was going to have my baby soon.

So they gave me the steroid shot and then the magnesium. Magnesium was unbelievable. It feels like someone just injected you with the gnarliest flu. It made me so nauseous I threw up all over... poor b. He was holding the bag and trying not to vomit himself {now it is kind of funny}. I felt like I had been sunburned so bad. Unno when your laying down in bed after a good day in the sun and you get roasted and you can feel the heat coming off your body? That is what it feels like along with stomach and headaches. So all in all... that stuff is awesome. The reason they gave me the magnesium wasn't to stop labor, it was to help baby. It has been proven to help brain development in babies that are in the NICU.

I ended up going all night.
No baby.

I had stuff connected to every single limb. I didn't sleep so good but hey, one more day is great. The peri came in this morning and basically said they thought for sure I was going to have my baby last night. She also explained the magnesium and what it does. It was nice to hear that they are taking whatever measures they need to in order to give baby best case scenario. I know that a 27 week old baby is scary but like I have said this whole time, I have no control over this and I have no choice but to think positive until I am handed something otherwise.

As of now we are just waiting to see how my body reacts. If I go into labor, they won't stop it. If I go a few more days, they will do another round of magnesium... man o man. So I will try to keep everyone updated and please keep praying.

O and we like the name Holden.

So keep our little Holden in your prayers.

XOXO.

27 weeks...

Man o man...

It has been two weeks since the last update. Sometimes I get overwhelmed re-hashing the past two weeks. All in all it has been uneventful and really really tough. I am hanging in there but some days I want to just give up. Now that I am a little further a long, it is a lot more motivating to stay here and stay down. Those first few weeks of 'viability' were the scariest. I am glad to say we are on our way to 28 weeks. Even though being in the hospital has been extremely trying, all of the not knowing and so forth, I have had some amazing experiences that I know I have benefited from for the rest of my life. It has been confirmed to me numerous times that God truly does have his hand in this and sometimes that is the only thing that keeps me sane. Submission.

I am still having kidney stones {on both sides} which really sucks. I am paranoid at anytime I will pass them. It is probably the most painful thing I have ever experienced. The other day I had one trying to pass, the same one that has been bothering me, at noon and then that same day I had it happen around 3 in the morning on the other side. It really was hell. The next morning {yesterday} I woke up really really sore from all of the kidney trauma and realized I was bleeding a lot. My contractions started picking up and becoming more painful and bleeding was also a concern. I went to the Perinatologist today and she explained it could be signs of labor and they are going to really watch closely and just react when they have to.

As for the baby, he looks good. His bladder was full and normal which means he is swallowing some pockets of fluid and able to pee that out. Kidneys are fine along with the brain. The heart was strong and had a great heartbeat although she was concerned because there was a little more fluid around the heart then normal. I am trying not to freak out and she told me not to worry yet, and just to let her worry about it. Ya right. I wish I could just numb my brain. So they are doing a bunch of blood tests today to see what is causing that. I don't really know what to think other than to pray hard and try my best to hang in there.

I just got interrupted... they are going to give me magnesium right now and another shot of steroids just in case I have the baby in the next 24 hours or so. I will keep you all posted here shortly.
Please pray pray pray

25 weeks and a day...

It has been a while since I last updated. Things at the hospital aren't too exciting. I am still just hangin out in bed hoping for the days to pass. I hit 25 weeks yesterday and it has been three weeks today since my water broke. I am still leaking fluid everyday and I consider that a good thing. This little guy's kidneys are functioning and I am hoping he is getting some of that for his lungs.

I haven't had any real problems while being here except a kidney stone. It was insane. I have never felt that much pain in my life!! After a few episodes of it trying to pass and literally paralyzing me, they finally decided to hook me up to an IV so if it came back they could quickly hook me up to morphine. It hasn't been fun but I am surviving.

I have been able to see Lennon a few times a week and that honestly makes my day. He is the best. I am so so so excited to be able to run and pick him up again. I really can't wait. B and I are praying to get to 26 weeks and then after that, 28 weeks. 28 weeks is a big deal so that is our "long term" goal for now. It is only three more weeks. Crazy that it has already been three weeks since all this craziness happened.

I am trying my very best to stay positive. I will be honest, it is so stinkin hard. I have to really focus and pray that I can maintain a positive attitude because I really don't know what is going to happen. I can't sit here and drive myself crazy over something I can't control, but trust me, it is hard. I am lucky to have my family. They have been so great by coming by and visiting me.

I love them.

I am so grateful to friends and family who have shown support and who have been praying. That is all I can ask for right now. Please just keep praying.

I will keep on top of updating. I am hoping nothing too exciting happens these next few days.

Pray for 28 weeks!