holden lloyd nilsson

Holden Lloyd Nilsson

June 20th, 2010

2 pounds 5 ounces

It has been one week since I had my sweet little Holden and let me tell you, it feels like a year. It has been one crazy week. It is so nice to be home and hug and kiss Lennon all day. I missed that so much. At the same time, I yearn for my little guy. Leaving the hospital to come home was interesting to say the least. I was so excited to get out of there and never ever sleep there again, but I was also leaving my baby... fighting for his life. Wow... it was hard. I guess I should start at the top. I have so much to write I honestly don't know where to start.

Well, it all started Saturday evening {June 19th}. I was really uncomfortable and started bleeding quite a bit. I was having irregular contractions all day and knew something was different. My body was trying to tell me something. I let all the nurses and doctors know that I could sense a change and to keep a close eye on me. As the evening rolled in my contractions were beginning to be more and more consistent. As night came they were every five to ten minutes and wouldn't let off. B was sleeping and I was trying to do the same but it was hard... I was a little uncomfortable. It was frustrating because with my situation the doctors were hesitant to check me because that would cause infection or possibly even put me into labor so it was basically my call. I remember laying there, rubbing my sweet little baby inside my belly and just hoping that we would be able to fight through this. I knew he was ready to come. I prayed all night long that I would know what to do. That I would know how to direct the doctors and make sure I was making the right decision.

At around 6:00 am I told B to get ready because the baby was coming. I just knew it was time. Right after that the doctor came in and asked what I thought. I told him I knew it was time and I am ready. Because I was so sure he decided to check me. Sure enough.... I was ready. 100 percent effaced and at a four. The doctor seemed a bit stunned and looked at the nurse and said, "oh ya... she is ready. good decision."

As soon as he said that... BAM! Three nurses and an anesthesiologist were right by my side. Before I knew it, I was being told to roll over and a little poke and there was the epidural. After that they rolled me in my bed down the hall to the operating room. B following in his all white suit. I can only imagine what he was thinking. I could tell by the look on his face and his sweet little rubs that he was a bit nervous to say the least. They finally got me to the operating room, right next to the NICU and started the c-section. It was not what I expected. Sure enough after ten minutes baby was here. I didn't get to see him because they rushed him right in the hands of the NICU staff. There they began to stabilize my sweet baby. B was in and out... room to room. In one room his sweet boy was being surrounded by nurses and doctors, and in the other room his wife's insides were all ripped out :). I honestly think I lucked out there. I don't know if I could have handled that. He did great. He was so concerned about me and at the same time so worried about his little one.

As soon as they finished with me, they wheeled me back to my room... my cell for the past month and a half, and once I got in there I lost it. I want to loose it right now even thinking about it. I finally melted down. I couldn't do that the whole time because I didn't want to stress the baby out. I took a look around and realized that hell is done. That chapter of my life is over and I am now beginning another chapter that is going to be just as challenging. I remember B coming in the room and asking about the baby. Asking if he was stabilized. B told me he was. I was more than relieved. I remember telling Holden when he was in my belly and I was in the hospital that I would fight as long as he would do it with me. All I wanted was for him to be stabilized. For him to have a shot. When B came in and told me that I think I asked like ten times. I just wanted to hear it over and over again.

Holden was stabilized.

B told me that he had blood in his tummy and lungs but they were working on getting that out. My placenta had ripped away from the uterus and that is what caused the bleeding. That is also why it was a really really good thing I told the doctors it was time. I could have bled out and Holden probably wouldn't have made it if I had waited any longer. Anyway, after I had a total breakdown and couldn't even speak... {I really couldn't wait to do that} the anesthesiologist came in and literally told everyone to quit talking to me and that I needed to sleep. I hadn't slept all night. I also couldn't calm down. I literally freaked out. The doctor then had to knock me out through an IV. I was gonzo. It was probably a good thing. I think that is the only thing that calmed me down. The anesthesiologist stayed by my side after that for about another half hour. He was so so so sweet. He was the best and was so encouraging the whole time. He was literally the best. I also know his kids and maybe that is why he took special interest in me. Whatever the reason, I was grateful. I remember waking up from being knocked out and the doctor that had delivered Holden walked in the room. I just remember crying again and thanking him for everything. Thanking him for taking care of me and also for getting my little guy out as fast as possible. He was tearing up as he was watching me cry and expressing my gratitude for him. Those doctors are truly a blessing.

Finally I was stabilized and was able to go see my little baby. They wheeled me, in my bed, into the NICU to go check him out. He was a small lump of heaven... truly. He looks so much like his brother. So sweet. I asked the nurses if B and my Dad could give him a blessing and they were more then happy to let them. What a sweet experience. I love both of those men.

Holden was on the ventilator that first day. I was expecting that so it wasn't really shocking... what was shocking is the next day he was already off of it. All he had was a nasal cannula blowing oxygen through his lungs. He was doing really well. They also got all the blood out and were able to maintain good blood pressure and a strong heartbeat. They weaned him off all meds for his blood pressure. They also thread a feeding tube down his nose and into is belly. They had him on antibiotics just in case he gets an infection of any sort.

I love him.

So it has been a week and it feels like a year. Holden has been doing remarkable. Doctors are stunned by how well he is doing. I know that the NICU is a major roller coaster and we may have our ups and downs, but this weeks was a good one. Holden is a fighter. He is keeping up his end of the deal. I couldn't be happier. In fact, I feel so in debt to the Savior. I feel so lucky that my little one has a chance. What a blessing. I know I need to update more and I will. I want to keep everyone posted on my little one.

This experience has been unreal. The hospital stay was definitely the lowest of lows for me. I honestly can't believe it even happened. It was one of the most trying times of my life. Lots of tears, prayers and strength. It took every ounce of me to stay sane. Although this is the hardest thing I have ever gone through, I feel like I am a different person because of it. I feel like my relationship with my Savior is that much stronger. In my darkest hour I know he is there and understands how I feel. He sent people to me in the hospital that I would have never expected, to lift me up. And they did. I had many nights by myself experiencing some of the craziest spiritual experiences of my life. God is mindful. He does hear mine and others prayers and is real. I feel those prayers. It is almost tangible. I feel I will forever be changed. I am more than grateful to those who have sent nice thoughts and prayers. I don't know if you realize how much it means to me and our family. What a blessing it is to have so many people pray for us. I truly am grateful and ask that you please keep them coming. My baby is doing better than I imagined and I pray he continues to fight. I love him. Thank you all for your prayers.

Thank you

Thank you

Thank you

I will keep you all posted on Holden.

I, on the other hand, am doing great. I love being home with my family again and I love even more the time I have with Lennon. I want to be at the hospital all day and all night but I know he is in the best of hands and someday I can be with my Holden and Lennon at the same time.