due date... and more :)

Home at last.

It has almost been two weeks since we got to bring our sweet Holden home. Man what a good day that was. What is so amazing about all of this is that he left before his due date... 2 weeks before! When I was in the hospital, I was told, because of my situation that we would be spending months and months here if Holden made it past delivery. That was what I was prepared for. In fact, as silly as it sounds, that is what I was praying for. I didn't want to go through the other option. I wanted to ride the NICU rollercoaster. I remember when I was having a really bad day in the hospital my sister, Farrah, came to visit me. She knew I was struggling. I remember sitting in that room and sobbing to her telling her that my situation could end in two extremes... one, I could bring my baby home with me someday and be the happiest mamma on Earth, or two I wouldn't get that opportunity and my biggest fear would become a reality. I never really spoke much about my situation but this particular day I remember just repeating through tears to Farrah, "I want a baby so bad. I want him SO bad." I never really let myself go there just to be extremely dissappointed in the end. Just the thought of bringing Holden home was too much. I didn't want to get my hopes up.

So two months and a week later, you can only imagine the joy I had when I got the opportunity to bring this lump of heaven home to our family. The tears are streaming down my face. I am so full of gratitude. I got the opportunity to ride the NICU rollercoaster and Holden has beaten all the odds.

Man are we blessed.

finally coming home

September 2, 2010

Being home has been wonderful. A bit stressful, but amazing. Lennnon is adjusting so well. He really does love his "baby brudder". It was so cute, the other day I was laying in bed and Holden was in his bassinet next to me sound asleep. He had one arm peaking out of his blankets with his hand in a fist. Lennon came strolling in and I was faking asleep just to see what he would do and sure enough, Lennon put his hand in a fist and gave Holden stones. After stones he was yelling "high five! High FIVE! HIGH FIVE!!" Holden didn't get it apparently and Lennon was not having it. I had to tell Lennon that he doesn't know that yet but he can teach him,

So cute.

Holden has already seen most of his doctors for follow-up. He has kicked three of the meds he came home on and we will try taking his oxygen next week. His heart function is perfect! Doctor says that everything looks normal. Growth, beat, contractions, etc. Phew! Such a relief. She is the one who cut his meds and said she wants to take him off the oxygen next week.

Holden does have a duplication cyst on his intestine that will need to be removed and he will be at Primary Childrens for a few days just to recover. It is a minor surgery (i've been told :) so hopefully all goes well. The strange thing about both his heart and that cyst, it they are NOT premature related. He would have had those regardless and it may have been worse had he gone full term.

Another blessing.

Holden's eyes are perfect and need no follow up.

His left ear passed his hearing test while his right one failed due to retaining fluid. The doctor said it is a good sign that he passed in the one side. I am not worried about it. Especially since she checked for fluid in the right ear and sure enough... there was fluid. We follow up in a few weeks.

So far so good. Holden has blessed our lives more than we can even comprehend. I feel so blessed to have this sweet spirit in our home. What an amazing trial.

*Below are some pictures I have been meaning to post. Enjoy.*

We had to "room in" at the hospital just to make sure we were all good to go.

It was hard saying goodbye.

Linda was one of Holden's primary nurses. She was a true angel. I love her.

Lennon's first time meeting his "baby brudder".

Lennon and his eggs. He would rather step in them.

Lately we have been trying to teach Lennon to only color on paper. He doesn't listen.

Holden digs his new bed.

Before I brought Holden Home, Farrah and I took the kids to Thanksgiving Point. They loved it. I didn't :)

Maycie Joe

Amazing.

coming home!!

I never thought this day would happen... truly.

Holden is coming home!

We are so excited, intimidated, nervous, happy, etc. As I am writing this B and I are in our little hospital room with our sweet baby boy laying next to us in his crib. What an angel. I can't even tell you how good this feels. I never thought I would be so lucky. I feel so grateful. This experience has been the most amazing, rewarding, challenging, spiritual thing I think I have ever experienced in my life thus far. The relationships I have shared will be treasured forever. We got the opportunity to meet a lot of amazing nurses and grew extremely close to them. They truly are angles. I know God knew what he was doing by sending them to me and Holden. We will miss them with all our hearts. They are special and will never be forgotten. I hope to keep in touch with them.

Holden is doing great. It is going to be busy bringing him home. Lots of follow-ups, medications, oxygen, no sleep, etc. I am so excited to have this opportunity. I really can't believe it. I know that this little guy is here for a purpose. He has fought a pretty intense battle to finally get to this point and he has shocked many people in the mean time. I feel incredibly blessed.

I love him.

He is the best and I am anxious to see how Lennon handles everything. I think he will be great. He is a sweet one. I will keep everyone updated on Holden's progress and I wanted to thank everyone for their prayers and sweet thoughts. We really couldn't have done it without you. I know God is real. I know he is mindful of us. I am grateful.

Thank you all from the bottom of our hearts.

**just a little side note**

Becca... I love you. I love that you have taken on the role of Lennon's second mommy through all of this. I am tearing up just thinking of all that you did these last few months. I know you sacrificed a lot by serving me and I don't think thank you is enough. You are young and should be out with friends every night, but instead you have been helping me so thank you and I love you. I hope I can repay you someday.

two months and some!

**so I wrote this last week and didn't post it cause I wanted to add more pictures but I thought I probably should post it now and more pics will come soon!**

man-o-man

I sure need to update. It seems like so much has gone on and I have no time. I have been back and forth to the hospital twice a day now and it is crazy to say the least. We have been busy around here.

Holden is doing great. He is now two months and a week! I can't believe it has been that long. Time really has flown by. So much has changed since the last post. First things first, We have met with the Cardiologist twice now for his heart and function is.... drum roll....

NORMAL!

He is still on the meds but what a relief that things are normal. He didn't end up having Parvo. That was a false positive. Phew. I have a love hate relationship with false positives. The doctor is pretty optimistic that Holden will just grow out of that heart problem by his first year. Obviously she can't promise, but she anticipates that he should be just fine. I will be honest, I have been stressing about that so it has been nice to hear Normal function. I will take it.

He has also been moved to "nursery B". That is where they put all the stable babies that just need to grow. He has been there for a couple of weeks and doing great. Just one step closer to home.

Holden got his eyes checked a second time and they are normal. No eye problems. That is a big one.

His oxygen needs are now down to a quarter of a liter and may need to come home on a trace. He seems to be improving quickly.

He also got another brain scan and still no bleeds. What a great relief.

Holden is now on the "feeder grower" plan and is now taking his feedings three times a day orally. He has been doing great. Taking full feedings almost every time. Because he is doing so well with it, they say he has about a week!!! Can you believe it?! I can't. I am so so excited, but also sad. I have grown to really love his nurses and feel like they are family. It is going to be intimidating leaving but it will be so nice.

Holden also got to meet his big brother! It was hard to choke back the tears. There was just something about seeing the two of them together. Something I honestly didn't see happening. It was another testament of how lucky we really are. I feel so blessed. Lennon loves his brother. When he sees pictures of him he points and says, "Brother!" . So sweet. He got to hold him and rub his head and right before he left he gave him a little kiss on the forehead. Man I love that boy.

Holden now weighs

6 pounds and 15 ounces!!

He really is growing so fast. I love it.

So as you can imagine life as been great... busy but great! We feel so blessed and feel so lucky to have an opportunity to be with Holden. What a miracle. Truly. I pray he will continue to do well and keep surprising everyone!

In the meantime, enjoy some pictures of the past week.

This picture cracks me up... This is Holden's two month photo. I showed up one morning to find this picture on a poster made by Linda (one of our favorite nurses/people). It made me laugh for a good half hour. amazing.

Smile

So sweet.

All of these pictures were taken by the NICU photographer, Linda ;) We love her and are going to miss her

She was one of Holden's primary nurses.

6 weeks

Holden graduated into a crib this last week.

What a big boy!

Look at those cheeks. Can't wait to kiss them off!

sweet little holden...

I can't believe it has been six weeks already. It really has flown by. Here is a little update on our little guy.

He now weighs...

4 pounds 12 ounces!

He is chunkin out big time. He has had kind of an interesting week. It is a long story but I will try and do my best to sum it all up. Holden was retaining more than normal fluid. He was starting to swell up a little so the Nurse Practitioner decided to start him on a diuretic to help release some of that fluid and then also get an ultrasound of his heart to see how that was. Turns out that in the ultrasound there was a little bit of fluid surrounding his heart. Because of that they continued the diuretic to release some of that fluid and they also scheduled an appointment for a cardiologist to come down and check out his heart. Well, the cardiologist came and found that his heart wasn't contracting as hard as she would like. She called it a "low normal". Because that is concerning she started him on a med that will help his little heart contract harder and in turn release some of that fluid. I asked her how long he would be on the medicine for his heart and if it was treatable and she said that he could be on it for a year and that babies usually do grow out of it. She explained that it isn't very common but she has seen it plenty before and knows how to treat it. That gave me a little peace of mind. I have sort of been a stress case because no one wants to hear that their baby has a heart problem, no matter how big or small, it is scary.

Well turns out that the cardiologist wants to keep Holden on that med for a year now because it is working so well. Within four days on the medicine they noticed a big improvement. I was shocked that he would need it for a year, but as long as he can grow out of it, I am fine. I am praying that he will be able to grow out of it. They ran a bunch of blood tests on him to see what the cause was. All of the tests came back negative but a couple. One was a low normal and not too concerning because they can supplement what he needs and it is no big deal, the other was a negative positive for parvo. They said that if he has it, he will most likely just grow out of it and it won't cause any real harm because it would have already done that and they would have noticed. His symptoms don't show that he has had any struggle. So they are running a few more tests to see if he has it or not. Either way, there is nothing they can do for it and I will have some answers as to why his heart has this problem. I am still praying it comes back negative. The strange thing about all of this is that Holden would have had this problem with his heart regardless, whether it be now or if he was born full term. In fact the doctors told me that it would have probably gotten a lot worse if he was born at 40 weeks. Crazy.

I am glad the medicine is helping his heart and I pray that it will continue to help him and that he will really grow out of this. It is an uneasy feeling but overall I think he will be okay. Other than his heart he is doing great.

He is starting to do non-nutiritive feeding {that is where you pump everything out before you breastfeed and just see if they can latch on}. Holden did really well. In fact he did so good that he was able to suck 9mls the third time we did it. I guess that is really impressive knowing that breast feeding is one of the hardest hurdles in the NICU. Holden handled that like a rockstar.

The eye doctor came and looked at his eyes and said they look great. Just a little premature but everything looks normal. Phew!

He has another appointment with the cardiologist this week just to check up on him. I am pretty optomistic at this point and I pray that she will be as well when she comes to check him out.

Thank you all for your prayers and please know we love them and need them.

We were told that Holden is out of the most critical time which is nice. I am anxious to see what these next few weeks bring. Like I said before, I pray that he can continue to progress. So far just one bump in the road and we are still cruisin. Please keep up those prayers.

Thank you and we will keep you posted.

{scroll down a little for Lennon's 2 year birthday post. Man I love him.}

Hi mom...

its me...Holden. I need to tell you a few thing, but because I cant speak for myself, I have asked someone to help me out.

Mom...thank you.

Thank you for sacrificing so much of you...for me. Thank you for giving me life, and not giving up. Thank you for hanging on...all those days and night, alone in that room, but not really alone, cause I was there and so was Heaven. Thanks mom, for believing in Heaven. And believing in me.

Thank you for whispering to me, encouraging me, and promising me. Thank you for loving me so so much, without even meeting me. And for loving me MORE and MORE every time you look at me.

Thank you for being with me, and taking care of me. Thank you for being strong enough to leave me, with others to care for me, so that you can care for our family. I know thats hard. Thank you.

Thank you for holding me close...so close. Close enough for me to feel so safe, and loved. So close to hear your heartbeat - the beat that sang to me, that sings to me...peace. The very beat that feels at times it may burst, with the most intense love this earth has to offer...a mothers love.

Thanks for being so tough. So brave. For showing me how to have courage. How to be humble. Hopeful. Grateful.

Thank you, mama, for being so grateful for me. Im not perfect. I never will be. But I know in your eyes...I am...and always will be. I know you will always be grateful for me. Just to have me. Here. With you. With our family...our eternal family.

Thank you for your fight, mom. Your fight is my fight.

Please, mom, please know that our Father loves you and will lift you through this. Call on Him. Whenever you need. He is with you. He hears you. I know....because I hear Him. Everyday. I visit Him...often...in my dreams.

With this letter, I speak to you. Through the Heavens, I speak to you. Through dreams, I speak to you. Through your family, and friends, I speak to you. Through the angels that watch me through the day and night....I speak to you.

Listen.

I know you listen.

Keep listening. Hang on to those...they are real and true.

I love you mom.

Love,
Holden

Lennon turns TWO!

{i wrote this the day after lennon's birthday. Just haven't posted it yet.}

Two years ago {yesterday} my life changed forever.

Lennon Jay Nilsson was here!

I will forever be grateful for what this little guy has brought to our family.

Man do we love him.

Lennon buddy, you have changed me for good. You make me want to be a better person. You are my motivation. Through all of this craziness with your brother, you have been the one who has pulled me through. You truly make me happy. I remember when I was in the hospital and hadn't seen you in a while, when you would walk through those doors you would bring tears to my eyes.

I love you... with all of my heart and more.

Thank you for being you. I love your hugs and kisses. I love it when you throw a fit and your fake cry... I really can't help but laugh in your face. You are a stinker. I love how you try to make everyone laugh. Your sense of humor is already genius. I love how you are starting to say full sentences and how you can understand me. I love when you try and help. I love how much you love balls... really Lennon, you are abnormal. I can't wait to watch you someday. You are going to be one heck of an athlete. I love how much you changed my life. I love how you make me feel. Nothing will ever come close. I love how you already love your brother and you haven't even met him in person. He is one lucky dude to follow in your footsteps. Lennon you are one of a kind and we are lucky to have you. I thank heavens every day for you.

love you more and more each day

xoxo

5 weeks and four pounds...

{isn't he sweet?}

Holden is now 5 weeks and some.

He is also just a little over four pounds and gaining every day. It is so nice to see some meat on his bones. He is really so sweet.

He is still on the high flow nasal cannula and they have been trying to ween him down. He didn't like it at first and they were having to keep him at four liters. The nurses noticed that he may have acid reflux and that could be why he isn't able to tolerate less oxygen. I noticed that as well. During every feeding toward the end he seemed to have a harder time breathing because he was trying to keep his food down. After noticing that {i guess it is extremely common in all babies} they started him on prevacid which helps to control that. After they started him on that medication he seemed to do a lot better and they were eventually able to ween him to three liters. We are now waiting for him to ween to two and they might get brave and try that today. He was on two and a half on Sunday and had to go back up to three after five hours. I think it wore him out. He was also a little swollen and seemed to be retaining more fluid than normal. They started him on a diuretic so he could pee that off and it seemed to be working. He is less swollen and it is also easier to breathe. They did an ultrasound of his heart yesterday because he was swollen and turns out he had more fluid then they wanted and it was a good thing they started him on the diuretics. They are going to have a heart doctor come look at him on Thursday to see if we should continue with the diuretics or if he has shed most of the fluid and it is okay to discontinue. His heart seems to be fine, they just want to be sure. I don't know how I feel about that. I guess a little nervous. I just want my little guy to progress and eventually get out of there. Right now it is his oxygen. I pray that he will tolerate the lower flow and is able to come off that quickly... you can pray too ;) As soon as he is down one more liter then I can start breast feeding.

Other than his oxygen he is doing great. He is able to tolerate his feedings and gain weight appropriately, he is also able to maintain his own body temp, he is alert when he should be, etc. Everyday that passes I become more and more attached. I love Holden and pray he will continue to hang in there. Thank you all for your support. Please keep him in your prayers. I know that is what is pulling this guy through.

thanks again.